Here is a factual but humorous look at how our data is being stored.  Runtime 4.39 minutes.  Enjoy and learn!

 

 

 

 

In this article, Kiff  shares some valuable lessons from his last article posted on LinkedIn two weeks ago. This article seeks to share that learning, so that other article authors can learn from his mistakes, experience and analysis.

Never start a speech with an apology, I heard that somewhere. I know this isn’t a speech but essentially it isn’t that different, so I am going to start with an apology.

To all those that commented and felt that I had misled them deliberately, about ten I think, three even accused me of click baiting, I apologise as that was never my intention.

I will however issue you a challenge to read the article in full and then tell me; What is leadership if it is not a relationship? Also, how can you understand leadership if you do not understand the complexity of human relationships from perspectives other than your own?

The article was titled ‘The trouble with relationships’, it was about the complexity of human relationships. It took months of research and two months to write. At the time of writing this, it has received in excess of 30,000 likes and circa 500 comments.

Actually, it wasn’t the article that attracted the majority of likes, it was the accompanying cover picture. Far fewer people read the article and fewer still, read it in full. Most just liked the picture without clicking into the article, the majority that clicked into the article only scan read a small part or parts. That’s not meant as a detrimental comment, rather, a reflection on how busy people are these days. Some did read the full article and also commented.

The comments about the picture reinforced my opinion that almost everybody has a view on leadership and probably think their view is aligned with their behaviour, i.e. they are good leaders. Leadership is one of the most written about subjects and the study of this subject goes back thousands of years. It is also the most poorly practiced skill. One has to ask why? But this piece isn’t about leadership, it is about learning from the article.

Those that took the time to read the article in full, gave constructive feedback and some entered into conversation. I found this the most helpful, not because it was good, because it was more detailed.

Those that scan read the article failed to grasp the essence of the article, that human relationships are very complex and that behaviour is transferrable across relationships.

You are what you do, not what you say.
I have titled this article; ‘You are what you do, not what you say’, this is an adaptation of Carl Jung’s original quote, “You are what you do not what you say you’ll do”, (CG Jung). Allow me to break this down further.

One’s thought is not the essence of them. You are not what you think or say, but rather it is your actions that form your essence. What we think about ourselves is either what we want to be or what we do not like about ourselves. What we say to others is really trying to create the impression of how we want others to see us. Anytime you start a sentence with I am, you are creating what you are and what you want to be.

But it is what we do that is observable, it is our behaviours, and that is how others will make their assessments of us, their judgements if you will.

It suggests that it is best to judge someone by their actions, or results, not by their boasts, or what they say, they can do, ever heard, “actions speak louder than words?” It means you are defined by your actions not by your words. People will remember something you did, not something you said.

What we do in private is also who we actually are. We all have a dark side, embrace it and learn from it, we are all Yin Yang. But we should not reside in that darkness, in that chaos, it is a place where we are forced to go, learn from and step back into the light, back into order and structure. We live in an ordered and structured world, when this falls apart we descend into darkness for a while. For the most unfortunate, this descent is for too long and manifests itself in various ways; personality disorders, depression, anxiety, etc…

All of our heavens and all of our hells; all of our angels and all of our demons reside within us.

I know we are all busy people trying to make our way in an often capricious world, however, I believe we all have a duty to help others when we can. I now do this by researching and writing articles. I was a career firefighter for 27 years, that was so different to creative writing. I am new at this writing stuff and have absolutely no idea about the dark arts of publishing and editing, I am just learning as I go along.

Those that read my articles help me in turn, by commenting on them, giving me feedback from which I can grow and improve. With this growth and improvement I can research and write better articles that, hopefully in turn, help more people. A virtuous cycle. I don’t learn much from flippant or ill thought out comments so I just forget those.

I overused a saying in my last job; ‘Feedback is a gift’. It is a gift, it might sting sometimes but for people to take the time to share their perspective or experience of you is essential for personal growth. I covered feedback in a previous article so I won’t go over it again here.

Narcissism, a new norm?
It seems to me that more and more people are looking to social media for short cuts to knowledge. The truth is, there are no real short cuts in life, nothing beats doing the actual work and building up a knowledge base of your chosen subject. If you base or foundation is solid, you are less likely to be knocked down. But more and more people are attempting to knock others down all the time.

There is a sickening trend of insulting others over the internet. What kind of person does this? Probably the same kind of person that feels entitled, or powerful behind the wheel of a car, they’re the ones who suffer from road rage far too readily. Allowing their feelings and opinions to overflow without filtering what is going on with those around them, just acting on impulse without stopping for a moment to ask why is this happening? My advice to you is, hey, take a second, breathe, think, then appropriate your response.

Social media is growing narcissism at an alarming rate, so much so that being narcissistic is becoming a worrying norm. More and more people are demonstrating grandiosity, a sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy. This is what constantly seeking instant solutions or short cuts leads to. Have we become too lazy to do the right thing?

Adults young and old spend more time on phones and tablets, at the same time young adults have reported more instances of loneliness. I appreciate that this is indeed, an evolvement of social interaction and quite possibly may be correlated to technology advancement, but humans are social animals and require face to face social interaction in order to grow in a healthy and socially acceptable manner.

Here is some of what I have learned from forums that are available online.

Vlogging – peering into someone else’s life, is not real interaction. It cannot be as it is not give and take in actual time.

Blogging – Your content must be relevant for the readers and the writing style must be easy to follow.

Vlogging and Blogging are inadequate substitutes for true social/human interaction.

In summary
I would suggest to people that are going to take the trouble to research and write articles and then post them, please do not to be put off by critics that do not give constructive feedback. Keep going, keep helping, keep improving and growing. It is through acts of selflessness that a person gets stronger. Remember, it is easier to criticise than to create.

Although attracting a huge number of likes was kind of gratifying, detailed analysis showed that the likes were not about the full article. My learning on this is twofold; The picture should encourage readers to read the full article so choose the right accompanying picture; It is important not to get carried away by attracting or counting likes, if that’s all you want just post great quotes or a great picture, these all seem to do very well in the like department.

My advice here is don’t value your work on how many likes you get, regardless of the social media platform. When all is said and done, they are not as important as your intended goal – helping others.

 

 

The trouble with relationships?

Why are relationships so difficult?  There are so many factors involved in what makes a successful relationship, there also as many involved in what ends up as an unsuccessful relationship.  Relationships are incredibly complex, any kind of relationship.  When we look for a lifelong partner, that level of complexity increases manyfold.    

I’m certainly no relationship guru or expert of any kind but I do like to research and learn.  This article is me sharing my experience of looking at why my latest relationship failed.  It doesn’t apportion blame as I believe that to be a very immature approach to relationship diagnosis.  Rather I want to explore the complexities and try and make sense of them.

Falling in love is easy but staying in love; now that is something totally different.

Have you ever fallen head over heels in love with someone and thought, this is it, this is ‘the one’?  Only to find out that, actually it wasn’t it, they were not ‘the one’.  I’m guessing many of us have, I would also guess that the break up was emotional, painful and in some cases scarring.   So the question I ask you all is; were you really in love?  I mean true love, in love with that person, who they are, what they do, their good bits and their bad bits (shocker, we all have good and bad bits).

So what is love?

Is it how we feel?  Is it what we think?  Is it forever (or supposed to be)?  Is it fleeting (and accepted as so)?  Can we love more than one person at the same time?  Do we love our pets as much as we love humans?  Do we love our lifestyle, our cars, houses, pastimes or hobbies?  “My husband loves golf more than me, I am a golf widow”…  Do we love ourselves?  Is love the same for everybody?

If it was the same for everybody then I’m sure that the divorce rate wouldn’t be somewhere between the current rate of 40% – 50%.  Remarriages wouldn’t be as common either.  Incidentally, re marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriages.  Does this mean that we wander through life not learning the lessons from love? Something so important, something of such significance to us that we assign deities to the damn thing.  

Greek goddess: Aphrodite

Greek god: Eros

Roman god: Cupid

Roman goddess: Venus

I mean, we cannot be happy if we are not in love, right? 

We attach a significant amount of importance to love; We write songs about it, books, poems, sonnets.  We talk about it all the time, we stress about it too.  If we are single we seek to meet others, we seek to go on dates.  We can’t be happy and single can we?That’s what the movies and songs tell us, isn’t it?  So we date.

 

4 Most Common Types of Dating

Fun Dating

The goal here is to enjoy yourself! No commitment, no pressure, and no stress! This mutually beneficial dating exists at the root of every other type of dating, as the whole point of spending time with another person is for enjoyment.

This is a pure and transparent enjoyment of a fellow human being, without any rules, societal expectations, and jealousy mucking it up. The two of you aren’t worried about commitment or what your future holds, you are simply trying to get as much as you can out of your time together now.

Traditionally young people are most often portrayed as the age group that is the most involved with casual dating and no string attached encounters, however, it is increasingly common to find middle aged, elderly, senior, or even young adults ditching the what was traditional dating methodology and embracing this new exciting type.

Experimental Dating

Experimental Dating can go many different ways but the main component is dating out of your comfort zone, being adventurous. This could mean finally dating that one person your parents don’t approve of, or maybe even someone who they might love.

Similar to Fun Dating in that there are no long term goals for the relationship, but instead goals for introspection and self improvement.

It could mean dating someone who is organised and responsible, or someone who is care free and spontaneous. You could go for a cat lover or even someone who doesn’t like chocolate. This is about adventure and choosing the unpredictable.

In dating someone completely different from your “type” or someone the opposite of your ex even, you are learning more about yourself, your preferences, and your limits. This isn’t about trying to find someone who you think will be a bad match, but rather, someone who contrasts your past lovers in a way that makes you try new things and learn more about who you are in a relationship.

Dating for Marriage

This is the type of dating you grew up hearing about. In fairy tales, novels, celebrity romances, and mythology, we see the quest for a soul mate or life long partner through a regimented courting ritual.

Sex or physical intimacy before marriage, until recently, and still is in some cultures, was taboo and prohibited. If it happened it was in secret and could result in severe punishments if caught.

Marriage-oriented dating is often monogamous and structured with rules unique to each individual couple. While this type of dating has declined and changed, it is still the norm in dating, and is a style that most people will adhere to at some point in their dating career.

Extramarital Dating

Unlike the aforementioned dating styles, this kind of dating is socially forbidden to discuss, engage in, or admittedly enjoy. Nearly 20% of all divorces in the United States are filed because of adultery and the number has only been growing in past years, and yet people can’t admit their spouse just isn’t enough.

This means that the number in total of married people seeking extramarital connections, whether emotional or physical, is much higher than what studies have found, since most people are not open with information deemed this sensitive.

It is hard to tell exactly how prevalent it is in the modern world, but we know for sure it’s happening at a pretty remarkable rate. Some well known adult dating sites have millions  of members of both men and women either married and looking, or single and “curing some loneliness”.

Plenty of other dating sites, social groups, and random meetings result in extramarital dating and more are popping up every day, proving this cultural phenomenon is becoming more and more prevalent everyday.

But dating and love are different things, we hope that one will lead to the other but there is never a guarantee.  After all, we still don’t all agree what love is and what or who we love.  Do we?

Nowadays we have websites dedicated to finding your perfect partner, Mrs or Mr Right, in almost every country in the world.  We can go on-line in one country and connect to someone from another country, chat, send photos, Skype or facetime and fall in love without ever meeting them in person.  But is that love?  Isn’t that infatuation?  What is the difference?

Love and infatuation

Love and infatuation are both intense emotions that one feels for another person. These feelings are most often confused for each other by many people. But the two feelings differ in their actuality of love, intensity and final outcome.

Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or love; addictive love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of relationship when sexual attraction is central. 

Infatuation (also sometimes referred to as “lust”) has a few great things going for it too. Infatuation gives you goosebumps. It puts that silly smile on your face that you can’t seem to shake. It fills your mind with wonderful daydreams. And, of course, many love relationships start out as infatuation.

Love can be described as feeling of intense affection for another person. It is most often talked about as an emotion between two persons. Hence is also sometimes referred to as interpersonal love.

One description of love is offered by Wikipedia.  “Love encompasses a variety of strong and positive emotional and mental states, ranging from the most sublime virtue or good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection and to the simplest pleasure”.

So love and infatuation are different then?

Infatuation is the chemical phase of love. Sometimes it is called passionate love, as opposed to companionate love (Hatfield & Walster, 1978). Sometimes it follows a long friendship, sometimes it happens at first sight. It is distinct from both friendship and long-term love.

Actually, the infatuation stage at the beginning of a dating relationship is very similar to the brain chemistry in drug users. According to Psychology Today, there are striking similarities between the brain state of someone in the beginning infatuation stage of a new relationship and someone smoking crack cocaine.

The distinction is not just lost on youth. So many adults get this one wrong.  Most children and teens experience infatuation and mistake it for love, so you’re probably not going to escape dealing with this one if you are a parent.

Love is when you care very strongly and very deeply about another person. When you love someone, you are there to support them, you work together to solve problems, you’re willing to stand by this person in good times and bad, and you wish nothing more than to watch and help this person grow.

It all sounds so wonderful that we may not see the problem when infatuation is mistaken for love. But it’s a big problem, and that’s why it’s so important to understand the differences between love and infatuation. Here are some differences:

Love develops gradually over time. Infatuation occurs almost instantaneously.

Love can last a long time. It becomes deeper and more powerful over time. Infatuation is powerful, but short-lived.

Love accepts the whole person, imperfections and all. Infatuation flourishes on perfection, you have an idealised image of your partner and you only show your partner your good side.

Love is more than physical attraction. Infatuation focuses on the physical.

Love is energising. Infatuation is draining.

Love improves your overall disposition. Infatuation brings out jealousy and obsessiveness. It causes you to neglect other relationships.

Love survives arguments. Infatuation glosses over arguments.

Love considers the other person. Infatuation is selfish.

Love is being in love with a person. Infatuation is being in love with love.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with two people being infatuated with each other, just as long as both people recognise the relationship for what it is.

If you’ve seen enough TV and movies, you may have already figured out one reason why so many people get confused about love and infatuation. When you’re watching romantic shows or movies, most of what you see is infatuation – people meeting and having a strong, immediate physical attraction. Unfortunately, they almost always call it love. It isn’t, and we should never try to base our own relationships on such nonsense. Sorry, but there’s no such thing as “love at first sight.” There’s “infatuation at first sight” – which can be amazingly fun and thrilling – and someday it may even lead to love.  (Adapted from Lesson 24 in Sexual Violence in Teenage Lives: A Prevention Curriculum by Judy Cyprian, Katherine McLaughlin, and Glenn Quint, Planned Parenthood of Northern New England, 1995).

So, love is love and that’s all there is to it?

The Ancient Greek philosophers believed there to be seven types of love discussed below are loosely based on classical readings, especially of Plato and Aristotle, and on J.A. Lee’s 1973 book Colours of Love.

1. Eros

Eros is sexual or passionate love, and is the type most akin to our modern construct of romantic love. In Greek myth, it is a form of madness brought about by one of Cupid’s arrows. The arrow breaches us and we ‘fall’ in love, as did Paris with Helen, leading to the Trojan War and the downfall of Troy and much of the assembled Greek army. In modern times, Eros has been amalgamated with the broader life force, something akin to Schopenhauer’s will, a fundamentally blind process of striving for survival and reproduction. Eros has also been contrasted with Logos, or Reason, and Cupid painted as a blindfolded child.

2. Philia

The hallmark of Philia, or friendship, is shared goodwill. Aristotle believed that a person can bear goodwill to another for one of three reasons: that he is useful; that he is pleasant; and, above all, that he is good, that is, rational and virtuous. Friendships founded on goodness are associated not only with mutual benefit but also with companionship, dependability, and trust.

For Plato, the best kind of friendship is that which lovers have for each other. It is a Philia born out of Eros, and that in turn feeds back into Eros to strengthen and develop it, transforming it from a lust for possession into a shared desire for a higher level of understanding of the self, the other, and the world. In short, Philia transforms Eros from a lust for possession into an impulse for philosophy. Real friends seek together to live truer, fuller lives by relating to each other authentically and teaching each other about the limitations of their beliefs and the defects in their character, which are a far greater source of error than mere rational confusion: they are, in effect, each other’s therapist—and in that much it helps to find a friend with some degree of openness, articulacy, and insight, both to change and to be changed.

3. Storge

Storge (‘store-gae’), or familial love, is a kind of Philia pertaining to the love between parents and their children. It differs from most Philia in that it tends, especially with younger children, to be unilateral or asymmetrical. More broadly, Storge is the fondness born out of familiarity or dependency and, unlike Eros or Philia, does not hang on our personal qualities. People in the early stages of a romantic relationship often expect unconditional Storge, but find only the need and dependency of Eros, and, if they are lucky, the maturity and fertility of Philia. Given enough time, Eros tends to mutate into Storge.

4. Agape

Agape is universal love, such as the love for strangers, nature, or God. Unlike Storge, it does not depend on filiation or familiarity. Also called charity by Christian thinkers, agape can be said to encompass the modern concept of altruism, defined as unselfish concern for the welfare of others. Recent studies link altruism with a number of benefits. In the short term, altruism leaves us with a euphoric feeling—the so-called ‘helper’s high’. In the longer term, it is associated with better mental and physical health, as well as longevity. At a social level, altruism serves as a signal of cooperative intentions, and also of resource availability and so of mating or partnering potential. It also opens up a debt account, encouraging beneficiaries to reciprocate with gifts and favours that may be of much greater value to us than those with which we feel able to part. More generally, altruism, or agape, helps to build and maintain the psychological, social, and, indeed, environmental fabric that shields, sustains, and enriches us. Given the increasing anger and division in our society, and the state of our planet, we could all do with quite a bit more agape.

5. Ludus

Ludus is playful or uncommitted love. It can involve activities such as teasing and dancing, or more overt flirting, seducing, and conjugating. The focus is on fun, and sometimes also on conquest, with no strings attached. Ludus relationships are casual, undemanding, and uncomplicated but, for all that, can be very long-lasting. Ludus works best when both parties are mature and self-sufficient. Problems arise when one party mistakes Ludus for Eros, whereas Ludus is in fact much more compatible with Philia.

6. Pragma

Pragma is a kind of practical love founded on reason or duty and one’s longer-term interests. Sexual attraction takes a back seat in favour of personal qualities and compatibilities, shared goals, and making it work. In the days of arranged marriages, pragma must have been very common. Although unfashionable, it remains widespread, most visibly in certain high-profile celebrity and political pairings.  It is also widespread in cultures outside the west. Many relationships that start off as Eros or Ludus end up as various combinations of Storge and pragma. Pragma may seem opposed to Ludus, but the two can co-exist, with the one providing a counterpoint to the other. In the best of cases, the partners in the pragma relationship agree to turn a blind eye.

7. Philautia

Philautia is self-love, which can be healthy or unhealthy. Unhealthy self-love is akin to hubris. In Ancient Greece, a person could be accused of hubris if he placed himself above the gods, or, like certain modern politicians, above the greater good. Many believed that hubris led to destruction, or nemesis. Today, hubris has come to mean an inflated sense of one’s status, abilities, or accomplishments, especially when accompanied by haughtiness or arrogance. As it disregards truth, hubris promotes injustice, conflict, and enmity.

 

Healthy self-love is akin to self-esteem, which is our cognitive and, above all, emotional appraisal of our own worth relative to that of others. More than that, it is the matrix through which we think, feel, and act, and reflects and determines our relation to ourselves, to others, and to the world.

 

Self-esteem and self-confidence do not always go hand in hand. In particular, it is possible to be highly self-confident and yet to have profoundly low self-esteem, as is the case with many performers and celebrities.

People with high self-esteem do not need to prop themselves up with externals such as income, status, or notoriety, or lean on crutches such as alcohol, drugs, or sex. They are able to invest themselves completely in projects and people because they do not fear failure or rejection. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201606/these-are-the-7-types-love).

I’ve heard it said that; ‘Love is what you do not what you say’.  Indeed, taking that saying further, ‘we are not what we say, we are what we do.  What we say is who we would like to be’.

With so many of us not telling the difference between the different types of love, mixup up love for infatuation or love for lust.  With the movies making billions at the box office with tales of love at first sight, with songs filling our heads with romantic notions, is it any wonder that we are confused about “This crazy little thing called love’ (Queen- the group not the monarchy!).  Perhaps it’s not them, it’s us?  I mean, who are we really?

Personality and Relationships

Our basic personality traits are under strong genetic influence and are not easy to change. Personality predicts behaviour in many areas, including relationships, sexual behaviour, and satisfaction.

What is Personality?

Personality refers to a distinctive set of traits, behaviour styles, and patterns that make up our character or individuality. How we perceive the world, our attitudes, thoughts, and feelings are all part of our personality. People with healthy personalities are able to cope with normal stresses and have no trouble forming relationships with family, friends, and co-workers.

Personality is an easy concept to grasp for most of us. It’s what makes you “you”. It encompasses all the traits, characteristics, and quirks that set you apart from everyone else.

In the world of psychology research, personality is a little more complicated. The definition of personality can be complex, and the way it is defined can influence how it is understood and measured.

According to the researchers at the Personality Project, personality is:

“the coherent pattern of affect, cognition, and desires (goals) as they lead to behaviour” (Revelle, 2013).

In the words of the American Psychological Association (APA), personality is:

“individual differences in characteristic patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving” (APA, 2017).

However you describe personality, it’s clear that personality has a big impact on life. In fact, personality has been found to correlate strongly with life satisfaction (Boyce, Wood, & Powdthavee, 2013). With such a large potential impact on life, it’s important to have a reliable way to conceptualise and measure personality.

There are many types of personality tests, each claiming to be both valid and reliable (measures of effectiveness of testing personality).  Some more famous than others, but I want to concentrate on the one that has been tested most comprehensively and has been found to apply in multiple countries and cultures around the world (Schmitt et al., 2007). 

Lewis Goldberg may be the most prominent researcher in the field of personality psychology. His groundbreaking work whittled down Raymond Cattell’s 16 “fundamental factors” of personality into five primary factors, similar to the five factors found by fellow psychology researchers in the 1960s.

The five factors Goldberg identified as primary factors of personality are:

Extroversion

Agreeableness

Conscientiousness

Neuroticism

Openness to experience

OCEAN: The Five Factors

These five factors do not provide completely exhaustive explanations of personality, but they are known as the “Big Five” because they encompass a large portion of personality-related terms. The five factors are not necessarily traits in and of themselves, but factors in which many related traits and characteristics fit.

For example, the factor agreeableness includes terms like generosity, amiability, and warmth (on the positive side) and aggressiveness and temper (on the negative side). All of these traits and characteristics and many more make up the broader factor of “agreeableness.”

Openness to Experience

Openness to experience has been described as the depth and complexity of an individual’s mental life and experiences (John & Srivastava, 1999). It is also sometimes called intellect or imagination. Openness to experience concerns an individual’s willingness to try to new things, to be vulnerable, and the ability to think outside the box.

Conscientiousness

Conscientiousness is a trait that can be described as the tendency to control impulses and act in socially acceptable ways, behaviours that facilitate goal-directed behaviour (John & Srivastava, 1999). Conscientious people excel in their ability to delay gratification, work within the rules, and plan and organise effectively.

Extroversion

This factor has two familiar ends of the spectrum: extroversion and introversion. It concerns where an individual draws their energy and how they interact with others. In general, extroverts draw energy or “recharge” from interacting with others, while introverts get tired from interacting with others and replenish their energy from solitude.

Agreeableness

This factor concerns how well people get along with others. While extroversion concerns sources of energy and the pursuit of interactions with others, agreeableness concerns your orientation to others. It is a construct that rests on how you generally interact with others.

Neuroticism

Neuroticism is the one Big Five factor in which a high score indicates more negative traits. Neuroticism is not a factor of meanness or incompetence, but one of confidence and being comfortable in one’s own skin. It encompasses one’s emotional stability and general temper.

Can personality change?

Maybe. A study published in the January 2017 journal Psychological Bulletin synthesised 207 published research papers and found that personality may be altered through therapy. “For the people who want to change their spouse tomorrow, which a lot of people want to do, I don’t hold out much hope for them,” said study researcher Brent Roberts, a social and personality psychologist at the University of Illinois. However, he continued, “if you’re willing to focus on one aspect of yourself, and you’re willing to go at it systematically, there’s now increased optimism that you can affect change in that domain.”

How does personality impact on a relationships?

There are so many differences between people that are not just cross gender or cross cultural.  These differences can often form a foundation to a successful or indeed lead to unsuccessful relationships.  After all, we often look for similar traits to those we possess.  We like people that are like us, it’s a kind of positive affirmation thing.  But what happens when our personalities clash?  Why does this happen?  It might just be that we have an undiagnosed personality disorder.

What is a Personality Disorder?

Those who struggle with a personality disorder have great difficulty dealing with other people. They tend to be inflexible, rigid, and unable to respond to the changes and demands of life. Although they feel that their behaviour patterns are “normal” or “right,” people with personality disorders tend to have a narrow view of the world and find it difficult to participate in social activities.

A person with a personality disorder thinks, feels, behaves or relates to others very differently from the average person.

Recognising a Personality Disorder

A personality disorder must meet several criteria to be clinically classified as a personality disorder. A deeply ingrained, inflexible pattern of relating, perceiving, and thinking serious enough to cause distress or impaired functioning is a personality disorder. Personality disorders are usually recognisable by adolescence or earlier, continue throughout adulthood, and become less obvious throughout middle age.

What Causes a Personality Disorder?

Some experts believe that events occurring in early childhood exert a powerful influence upon behaviour later in life. Others indicate that people are genetically predisposed to personality disorders. In some cases, however, environmental facts may cause a person who is already genetically vulnerable to develop a personality disorder.

Do we actually see someone as they really are or do we see them as we want to see them or who we are?  Life through our own lens.  Do we really know who we are let alone who it is who we are in a relationship with.   

Achieving our partners frame of reference can be one of the hardest things to do.  Ever occurring behaviours such as listening, dominance and expressing ourselves all play such a huge part in how relationships unfold.  

It would be great to understand our partner’s thoughts and feelings so well that we could summarise them to them.  But that means understanding them and that takes time.  In todays fast paced society we seem to want everything now and quite often, in our preferred way.  But one thing is for sure; If you have a real relationship it is therapeutic, if it is not therapeutic, goodness knows what you actually have.

Recognising some of these character traits in yourself or your partner may make you fear for the long-term health and sexual happiness of your relationship. But it’s useful to remember that a person may decide to change, improve their habits, and better manage their hardwired personality tendencies through self-awareness, practice, and a desire to have their conduct express the values they deem worthy. In the words of William Faulkner, a person can aspire to be better than himself. And what better incentive to change and better ourselves than love?

What if we are not prepared to change or accept the inalienable difference that will exist in others?  Then, to coin a phrase, the end is nigh.

Confusion and break ups

Why do people break up? The sad truth is that it’s easier to fall in love than to stay in love.

Did you know that 70 percent of straight unmarried couples break up within the first year? This is according to a longitudinal study by Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld, who tracked more than 3,000 people, married and unmarried straight and gay couples since 2009 to find out what happens to relationships over time.

The study found that after five years there was only a 20 percent chance that a couple will break up and that figure dwindles by the time they have been together for ten years.

The question is, why do people break up? Why do so many couples break up within a year or two? Experts say there are nine key reasons for why this happens.

1. The first year of a relationship comes with many challenges

Relationship expert Neil Strauss discusses why do people break up within this duration in a relationship, and concluded that there are three stages to the first year of a relationship: projection, disillusionment, and a power struggle.

“In the beginning, you don’t see things as they are in reality, you project what you want to see onto your partner. In the next stage you become more realistic and disillusionment sets in”.

“That’s why people break-up in that three to nine month window — because you’re seeing who they really are. Then, there’s a power struggle or conflict. If you get through that, there’s a relationship,”.

2. At certain times relationships are more vulnerable to a breakup

Were you aware that many couples break up around Christmas and Valentine’s Day?

According to a study by David McCandless breakups most frequently happen on Valentine’s day, April fool’s day, Monday, Summer holiday, two weeks before Christmas and Christmas day.

3. The truth starts showing

After one year, stuff gets real. You are starting to see through your love and are not always charmed by your love’s ways and habits.

“This point is really critical because you will definitely see this person’s character,” according to author and relationship expert, Alexis Nicole White.

By this point, you will either really be attracted to your partner or exceptionally turned off by your partner’s flaws.

4. Love is blind

Scientists at University College London have shown that love indeed is blind.

They found that feelings of love lead to a suppression of activity in the areas of the brain controlling critical thought.

So, once we feel close to a person, our brain decides that it’s not necessary to assess their character or personality too deeply.

5. People want a return on their investment

Life coach Kali Rogers said that she has found through her research that women want to have an emotional return on investment from their relationships.

“Once they have committed a certain amount of time — typically six months — they like to hold on as long as possible.

“They’ve dumped their love, attention, money and time into this relationship and they want a return,”.

6. After a year, reality sets in

“After a year or so, the new relationship euphoria begins to wear off, and reality sets in,” Tina B. Tessina, better known as Dr. Romance, said. “Both partners relax, and stop being on their best behaviour. Old family habits assert themselves, and they begin to disagree about things they were tolerant of before,”.

When this happens, and people lack the skills to handle the situation because they come from a divorced or dysfunctional background, things may start falling apart. Even if they come from a happy background, people are surrounded by relationship disasters, which sets an example and makes it hard to be together for a long time.

7. The great no-no: your partner isn’t generous

It takes a while to find out how generous a person really is. If after a few birthdays and holidays a person realises that their partner is not generous, they might decide to call it quits.

8. A year is about the time when most people determine where the relationship is going

“A year is when most couples of a certain age decide to make it official,” relationship expert and author April Masini said.

“If, after a year of dating, one or the other doesn’t want to take that step — whether it’s moving in together, getting married or simply making monogamy important — this is when the one who wants a commitment should leave to pursue their personal relationship goals.”

So we’ve past the infatuation or one year stage, we’ve home free, aren’t we?

You know things are not going well for you and your spouse. Your partner did seem stern, aloof and resentful that last time you spoke to each other. Like always you expect them to come around, let go of the steam and become their normal self with time. Instead, one day, you come home to find their clothes missing from their cupboards and a piece of paper on the dinner table – a divorce notice.

Do you think this scenario could transpire into your life? It’s not uncommon that couples start to fight and make up, fight and make up, until one day they fall apart for good. Don’t neglect your relationship issues, you never know, your relationship could be treading towards rocky roads too!

What are the real reasons for divorce? Infidelity, lack of communication, financial troubles, sparing sessions of sex and intimacy are some of the reasons for divorce. Let’s look at the 10 most common reasons for divorce and hope that we can learn from the mistakes of others.

Top 10 Reasons for Divorce:

1. Infidelity

Extra-marital affairs are responsible for the breakdown of most marriages that end in divorce. This is one of the most common cause of divorce. The reasons why people cheat aren’t as cut and dry as our anger may lead us to believe. Anger and resentment are common underlying reasons for cheating, along with differences in sexual appetite and lack of emotional intimacy. Infidelity often begins as a seemingly innocent friendship, says cheating expert Ruth Houston. “It starts as an emotional affair which later becomes a physical affair”.

2. Money

Money makes people funny, or so the saying goes, and it’s true. Everything from different spending habits and financial goals to one spouse making considerably more money than the other, causing a power struggle can strain a marriage to the breaking point. “Money really touches everything. It impacts people’s lives,” said Emmet Burns. Clearly, money and stress do seem to go hand in hand for many couples.

3. Lack of communication

Communication is crucial in marriage and not being able to communicate effectively quickly leads to resentment and frustration for both, impacting all aspects of a marriage. On the other hand, good communication is the foundation of a strong marriage. Yelling at your spouse, not talking enough throughout the day, making nasty comments to express yourself are all unhealthy methods of communication that need to be ditched in a marriage. Practicing mindful communication, to change age-old marriage mistakes, can be hard but it’s well worth the effort to improve and save your relationship.

4. Constant arguing

From bickering about chores to arguing about the kids; incessant arguing kills many relationships. Couples who seem to keep having the same argument over again often do so because they feel they’re not being heard or appreciated. Many find it hard to see the other person’s point of view, which leads to a lot of arguments without ever coming to a resolution.

5. Weight gain

It may seem awfully superficial or unfair, but weight gain is a common reason for divorce. In some cases a significant amount of weight gain causes the other spouse to become less physically attracted while for others, weight gain takes a toll on their self-esteem, which trickles into issues with intimacy.

6. Unrealistic expectations

It’s easy to go into a marriage with lofty expectations; expecting your spouse and the marriage to live up to your image of what they should be. These expectations can put a lot of strain on the other person, leaving you feeling let down and setting your spouse up for failure.

7. Lack of intimacy

Not feeling connected to your partner can quickly ruin a marriage because it leaves couples feeling as though they’re living with a stranger or more like roommates than spouses. This can be from a lack of physical or emotional intimacy and isn’t always about sex. If you are constantly giving your spouse the cold shoulder, then know that over time it can become the ground for divorce. Making your relationship intimate and special is the responsibility of both partners. Practice little acts of kindness, appreciation and enjoy physical intimacy as much as possible to sweeten your relationship.

8. Lack of equality

When one partner feels that they take on more responsibility in the marriage, it can alter their view of the other person and lead to resentment. Every couple must negotiate through their own and unique set of challenges, and find their own way of living together as two equals who enjoy a respectful, harmonious and joyful relationship.

9. Not being prepared for marriage

A surprising number of couples of all ages have blamed not being prepared for married life for the demise of their relationship. Divorce rates are highest among couples in their 20s. Almost half the divorces occur in the first 10 years of marriage, especially between the fourth and eighth anniversary.

10. Abuse

Physical or emotional abuse is a sad reality for some couples. It doesn’t always stem from the abuser being a “bad” person; deep emotional issues are usually to blame. Regardless of the reason, no one should tolerate abuse and removing yourself from the relationship safely is important. (https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce)

But it’s not my fault

Break-ups feel bad for a very good reason: it is in our nature to form attachment bonds with our partners – bonds that resemble in intensity those we made with our parents. When those bonds break, it hurts.

One particular kind of breakup is the subject of this post: the breakup in which one person wants to end the relationship, but the other person doesn’t. This kind of break-up has a special painfulness to it, because one person gets their heart broken and the other has to live with hurting someone they really care about, in addition to being in pain from the separation themselves.

Breakups raise primal negative feelings: guilt, sadness, anger, and fear. It can be hard  for anyone to experience these feelings without wanting to stop them or control them or manage them in some way. When people try to manage their emotions, one of the first things they do is try to figure out the cause of these feelings so they can predict or control them in the future. The person who is being broken up with may either blame themselves (“what did I do wrong?”) or they blame the partner who broke up with them (“how could you hurt me like this?”). Typically, both types of blame are attempts to escape from the real issue, which is how much anger, hurt, or despair one is currently feeling. Typically, these types of blame are also distortions of the truth.

Blaming oneself is a distortion. It is worth remembering that relationships’ longevity and happiness are about the dynamic or fit between two people, not about the inherent worth of either party. Our culture glorifies relationships and many people assume that being in a relationship is a sign of desirability or worth, and conversely, being single is a sign of undesirability and worthlessness.

Blaming one’s partner is a distortion. Couples therapist John Gottman has observed that in every relationship disagreement, there are two valid points of view, not just one. This truth goes even broader. Indeed, every relationship is really two relationships. In other words, the relationship can feel very different to one partner than it feels to the other. This means that the relationship that one person was really excited about (“how could you break up with me? Things were so good!”), did not necessarily feel exciting to the other person. Often, the person doing the breaking up felt fundamentally dissatisfied with the relationship. The truth is, if you are the person who is being broken up with, you deserve someone who will love you without being fundamentally dissatisfied with what you offer. The person who broke up with you cannot fill that role, and by breaking up with you, they are freeing you to find someone who can. 

Who is to blame then?

“Stop pointing fingers and placing blame on others. Your life can only change to the degree that you accept responsibility for it.” (Steve Maraboli, Scientist and Author, Unapologetically You)

When it comes to placing blame in a relationship, it’s almost always easier to see the faults in our partner than in ourselves. One of the problems with couples pointing fingers is that usually both parties are right, and both are wrong. Every person is full of flaws and certain ways that we attempt to defend ourselves that push us away from other people. These self-protective defences come out even stronger when we get close to someone, and old feelings start to get triggered in us in ways we don’t necessarily expect and aren’t entirely conscious of.

The many ways we get hurt throughout our lives help shape our defences. Negative past experiences, particularly those from our childhood, leave us on guard as adults. Our defences may warn us not to trust or open ourselves up to someone else. Or they may tell us to cling on for dear life, because we may be abandoned at any minute. The key to thriving in a relationship is getting to know and challenge our own defences. Instead of focusing all our attention on our partner’s flaws, it’s important to look at our own limitations. How am I reacting to my partner? Am I misperceiving him/her through the filter of my “critical inner voice?” Am I projecting negative characteristics of my early experiences onto him/her?

In improving any relationship, the focus should always be on empowering yourself. You can only change your part in the equation, but that gives you a lot of power. So what can you do to take charge and change the behaviours that are holding you back from getting closer? How can you take actions that will sustain passion, love, and respect in your relationship?

Don’t build a case. When a conflict arises, it’s easy to fuel the fire with all kinds of proof of our partner’s character flaws. One morning of forgetting to take out the rubbish can build into a full-blown criminal case proving our partner guilty of insufferable laziness. We may start cataloging every incident in which he or she forgot to do this or that. Case-building is a huge problem in any relationship. Once we start to see our partner a certain way, we often start perceiving (or misperceiving) their actions through a negative filter. We may start interpreting innocent comments as critical or casual behaviours as rejecting. In these cases, we can either feed our feelings of blame or try to keep a more balanced perspective about what’s going on. Again, we should try to recognise if and when we might be projecting onto our partner or acting on harmful, yet familiar patterns from our past.

Drop It. Once the blame starts going back and forth and escalating out of control, it becomes almost impossible to resolve who did what or who’s at fault. The truth is, there is never a winner in these arguments. As psychologist and author Robert Firestone says, “You may win the battle, but you will lose the war.” 

Keep perspective on what’s important. If your goal is really to be close again, then sometimes it’s worth just dropping the past, putting down your guard, and simply being nice to each other. Unilateral disarmament can be a first step to getting back the easy and loving flow of feelings between you and your partner. This is different from glossing over or denying your problems. It’s a matter of dropping your own reactive defences and stopping the blame game. Ultimately, you will be able to have an honest, adult discussion, where you are open to giving and receiving feedback from a compassionate and calm place.

Calm yourself down. Relationships trigger us in ways we rarely expect. Many things can set us off, especially when defences are at work. A partner’s bad mood or withholding attitude can throw us back into a primal state, particularly when it reminds us of painful dynamics from our past. Though, in the moment, our instinct may be to fight fire with fire, this clearly won’t resolve the problem. When we feel triggered, we should focus on relaxing before reacting. We can better manage our partner’s temper by calming ourselves down first, then approaching them. Issues will always arise between two, independent-minded people, and it’s easy to get critical of someone who we know well enough to witness their weaknesses. When trouble starts brewing, expect the rush of critical thoughts to come into your head, roaring through like a passing train. Then, know that you can decide whether or not to jump on the train.

Reflect on your patterns. Once we’ve calmed down and stepped away from a heated situation with our partner, we can start to reflect. When we get triggered, it’s important to take notice of the moment and ask why. Does my reaction seem like an overreaction? Could it have anything to do with my past? Look for the thing you hate the most that your partner does and ask yourself what you do right before that.

We can think about what sets us off and what patterns are at play in our relationships. In doing so, we can accept that every couple is just two people with two sovereign minds and two stories that made us who we are today. We can have respect for those differences and compassion when confronting each other’s defences.

Have compassion. As we start to identify our defences as well as those of our partner, we get to know them better and to understand why they are the way they are. When we understand the reasons why we both get triggered, we have more compassion for ourselves and our partner. We can further foster compassion by always aiming to see the scenario from our partner’s eyes and understand how they view the situation. We can adopt an empathetic perspective toward what they perceived, even if they weren’t entirely accurate in their perceptions. As an exercise, when our partner tells us how they feel, we should try to play back what they communicate to us to show that we understand how they’re feeling and to see if we have it right. If we can align our state with theirs, we are essentially on the same team sharing the same goal of getting closer in the end. 

“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”   (Alexander Graham Bell)

The real reason we broke up was because they were a Narcissist.

Every once in a while, a new diagnostic label emerges into mass consciousness and people start to use it (and misuse it) as a synonym for bad behaviour. This year’s label seems to be “Narcissist.” In an attempt to stop this label being overused I thought that it might be useful to briefly clarify what mental health professionals mean when they talk about narcissism.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is the name for a series of coping strategies that began as an adaptation to a childhood family situation that left the person with unstable self-esteem, the inability to regulate their self-esteem without external validation, and low empathy.  It is part of a family of disorder that are grouped within ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’.  

One point to remember is that Narcissists are made, not born, a result of nurture not nature.  When I talk about “Narcissism”, I am talking about the pathological, defensive Narcissistic strategies that the people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder developed to deal with life that began as an adaptation to their childhood experience, not “healthy” internal self-regard.

 

They are continually trying to prove that they are superior.

They tend to misperceive and overreact to other people’s behaviour.

They are extremely self-centered.

They lack of empathy for other people’s feelings.

They are willing to devalue and humiliate other people.

Narcissism Or Self-Justification

It’s easy to call friends, colleagues, and relationship partners narcissists when they don’t do what you want them to do.  It’s easy to call these people selfish when they don’t care about you and your needs as much as you want them to care.

When you’re in pain, labelling someone a narcissist feels good.

It feels good because it relieves you of the responsibility of having to deal with your own emotions.  They’re the problem, not you.  They don’t like you so they must have a personality disorder. As such, you feel sorry for them. And…  You feel angry at them. You want revenge, justice, vindication.  In reality, you’re just being a baby.

They don’t have a disorder, they just decided you weren’t that important. Which they have every right to do.  When other people put their needs above yours, when they act on behalf of their own self-interest over yours, they’re behaving exactly how they should.  People who care about themselves more than you are not narcissists.  They’re healthy.

In fact, a recent study by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology showed that people classically labelled as narcissists don’t use the pronoun “I” (as in, me, myself and I) more than any other person.  They say “I” just as much as you do.

Would you really want someone to care about you completely out of guilt, fear, or obligation?  Would you really want them to put your needs over their needs purely out of a sense of duty?  If so, you’re the one with the disorder.

3 Ways To Avoid Being A Narcissist

Your entire life is your fault.

How you feel today, tomorrow, and the next day is your responsibility.

The only way to live a happy and fulfilling life is to stop pointing fingers and start being accountable to yourself

Here’s how;

1. Expect less from others and more from yourself;

Most of the pain you will ever experience in life is due to your own mismanaged expectations.  Of course it’s going to hurt when you expect people to give you the world and they don’t deliver.  Stop expecting other people to live and die for you. Stop expecting others to fix whatever is broken in your life.  You’re not the centre of anyone’s Universe.   If you want something done, look to yourself. If you want to feel better, look to yourself.  Quit waiting for prince charming or Carmen Electra to drop into your lap and solve all your problems.  They’re not coming.

2. Never rely on anyone else for your own happiness;

Every time you rely on someone else to make you happy, you’ll be disappointed.

No one can make you happy. No one can reach into your brain and force you to feel a sense of happiness.  They can’t experience happiness on your behalf either.  You have to do this happiness thing alone.  If you’re not happy, it’s because you’re too lazy to decide to be happy.  Decisions are hard work. Especially when life isn’t going the way you want it to.  Still, you need to find a way to decide,  every day. Fake it before you make it and force yourself to be happy even before the happiness feelings show up.

3. Realise no one is working against you;

It’s easy to feel like everyone is working against you.  Like other people are meeting secretly and planning out intricate ways to keep you unhappy and unsuccessful.  The truth is no one is meeting. There’s no conspiracy.  Other people don’t care about your problems. The Universe doesn’t care either.  Sure, people might care enough to listen to you complain. Or their interests might be aligned enough with your interests to help you work through something. But they won’t care enough to put your life in front of their life, nor should they.  At the same time, most people won’t care enough to work against your life at the expense of moving their life forward. So, quit obsessing, quit being needy. Realise you are in control.  

You can stop narcissistic thinking in its tracks at any time by taking responsibility for yourself and taking action to improve your life.  No blame, no finger pointing, just self-reliance and self-directed action.

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”

(Wayne Dyer, Speaker and Author, Your Erroneous Zones)

So what do we learn from all this?

Imagine inventing a new system or recipe for something that works perfectly on every application without fail and can hold true over time, cultures and generations.  It’s pretty hard right?  In fact I would say probably impossible.  With so much diversity apparent in all of us, regardless of gender, culture, race, age, personality; it’s hard to get everything into a perfectly aligned, repeatable, working system.

Relationships are simply not that easy, they are actually hard work.  A friend of mine once told me; “Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done”.  They take work.  Work on yourself as well as working with your partner.  

Many people think a good relationship is all about compromise, I disagree.  I believe a good relationship is more about synergy.  Being together and working synergistically makes you greater than the sum of your parts.  But it takes commitment, effort, understanding and the ability to listen.  Only then will you have a chance to grow together, because you will grow and develop as people.  Who knows today what we will be like in 30 years time?   

Do the work and you will be rewarded, don’t do the work and your relationship will fail, it will wither over time.  Don’t think that a successful relationship is a couple that stay together, that is far too simplistic.  There are many failed relationships where the couple stay together where one or both secretly feel rejected or worse, harbour contempt, lack of respect, jealousy, and at times even hatred for the other.  Outwardly showing a united front, yet inwardly feeling acutely the absence of empowerment, a sense of loneliness and despair.

One of my favourite songs sums up the difficulty in relationships, the confusion between adoration and difficulty;

I get high when I see you go by, my oh my.

When you sigh my mind inside just flies, butterflies.

Why am I so shy, when I’m beside you?

It’s only love and that is all.

Why should I feel the way I do?

It’s only love and that is all.

But it’s so hard loving you.  

Yes, it’s so hard loving you.

Is it right that you and I should fight, every night?

Just the sight of you makes night time bright, very bright.

Haven’t I the right, to make it up girl?

It’s only love and that is all, why should I feel the way I do?

It’s only love but that is all.

But it’s so hard loving you.

Yes, it’s so hard loving you. (Lennon/McCartney, May-June 1965)

One thing final thing I would like to add is you are being watched by your future self through your memories.  Live with a sense of responsibility, vision, integrity, mutual respect, mutual understanding, creative cooperation and self development.  Pay attention to these and not only will your life and relationships be more fulfilling but you will enjoy looking back over your life through your memories. 

Chris Enness, October 2018.

(words 9255), 1 hour read.

This article concentrates on injury prevention, recovery, diet and exercise.  I don’t profess to be an expert in exercise, diet and nutrition, but hundreds of hours spent on research, some expert guidance and trial and error, I now know what works for me. I would like to share that you. Please take from this what you will.

 

 

A short bit of personal history

I suffered with chronic lower back pain for many years, this was partly hereditary and partly due to an accident that occurred in 2003 where I injured my back quite significantly. Although I had experienced back pain prior to 2003, it is fair to say that following 2003 back pain had an unfortunate and undesired impact on how I lived my life.

With chronic back pain for many years, which gradually grew worse, I sought medical intervention on many occasions. The medical intervention basically told me I had learn to manage pain. This was a combination of prescription medication, and learning what pain is or indeed, how our brains understand and represent pain. 

The chronic back pain became worse until I was constantly on prescription medication.  The impact of the prescription medication,  the cocktail of drugs, had the effect of making me feel spaced out permanently.  However without the medication I could hardly walk. Life became a balance of necessity and function.

I became frustrated with my own limitations and sought advice far and wide. A friend of mine at that time, had then recently undergone an operation called a microdiscectomy and lumbar decompression.  He informed me that this surgical intervention had changed his life. I then researched what this surgical intervention was, the risks involved and what alternatives were available to me.

I went to see my general practitioner (Doctor) and requested a second opinion on the options available to me. The second opinion was given to me by a surgeon.  Before the surgeon gave his opinion, he examined me and sent me for an MRI scan.  

Looking at my scan he could not understand why I was told to manage this pain. He informed me that the best option available to me was to undertake a surgical procedure, a microdiscectomy and lumbar decompression. I undertook this surgical procedure in 2016.

Enough of the history and gloomy stuff

I want to return to the part where I went for the MRI Scan.  The woman that booked me into the scan had also suffered from back pain for many years. She told me that she went to Pilates classes and that helped her tremendously.

I had exercised for most of my adult life, injury permitting. I had heard of the Pilates but had always thought that it was a soft form of exercise. How wrong I was!

I went along to Pilates classes once a week at first, just to see what it was like. I can honestly say I was shocked at the impact that Pilates had on my pain, it was like taking a powerful analgesic (painkiller). I later started to practice yoga. I believe that two complement each other. I was asked recently; ‘if I could only do one, Pilates or Yoga, which would it be’? My response was, it depends on what my body needs.

As I age I notice differences in my physical ability, shape and need for recovery but more importantly I notice the impact that diet has on my body. I am 55 years old, male, 184 cm tall and 83 kg.

I now practised yoga twice a week and I undertake two sessions Pilates every week. Part of the advice I was given following the surgical procedure was to ‘keep my weight down and my core strong’.  The surgery would only do so much the rest was up to me. In other words, how successful the surgical intervention was to be all depended upon what my habits became moving forward.

 

As good as exercise is, it cannot manage our body shape by itself. Exercise should be complemented by an adequate diet and appropriate rest. I am certainly not evangelical about diet and exercise, rather I believe in an 80:20 principle. I try to be good 80% of the time but allow myself 20% of downtime, that may be just eating chocolate, having a drink or two, or simply doing nothing.

I want to turn to diet now. Specifically what constitutes an adequate diet. Our diet should basically comprise of a combination of protein, carbohydrates and good fat. But I think the most important element of an adequate diet is making it part of your daily routine. This will take time but it will be time well spent. I do not believe that the fad diets that celebrities follow and many others follow as sheep have the long lasting effect we ever want them to have.

I’m going to concentrate on the protein element of our diet.

Why is protein so important as we age?

We reach peak muscle mass by our late 30s, and after that point, we begin losing approximately three to five percent over each decade. This age-related muscle mass loss is termed “sarcopenia” .  Although sarcopenia is a normal aging response, research has shown that older adults who strength train maintain more muscle mass as they age, in comparison to adults who don’t include strength training.

Pilates = strength

Yoga = strength, flexibility and control

Our bodyweight and shape is more dependent on what we put in our mouths than it is on exercise, but choosing the right exercise for you is essential to keep you mobile as you get older.  I also ensure I build rest into my routine and try to get a good night’s sleep.  I have written about sleep in a previous article.

80% nutrition-you are what you eat

20% exercise-you are what you do

What type of protein should I eat?

If you include meat in your diet, look for lean cuts. To be considered lean, a cut of beef should contain less than ten grams of total fat, 4.5 grams or less of saturated fat, and no more than 95 milligrams of cholesterol. The amount of protein for each type of meat depends on the serving size and preparation method (see below). Avoid cooking in oils—broiling, baking, and grilling methods are best.

Beef

Choose from the following cuts:

• Top Sirloin Steak
• Fillet Steak (bloody expensive though)
• Tenderloin Steak
• 95% Lean Ground Beef

Pork

Pork is as lean as skinless chicken breast and fits the guideline for lean. Choose any loin cuts for a very lean serving of meat.

• Pork Tenderloin
• Loin Pork Chops
• Loin Pork Roast

Poultry

• Skinless cuts

Dairy Products

• Milk: 8 grams per cup
• Yogurt: can vary depending on the type
• Cheese: 7 grams per ounce
• Eggs: 6 grams per egg

Plant-based Protein Sources

Keep in mind that when you are getting your protein from plant sources, you need to make sure that it’s in a combination that provides all the essential amino acids. For example, combining rice with beans, peas, or lentils provides all the essential amino acids needed for a complete protein. Think legumes with grains, or with nuts or seeds. Of course adding milk, eggs, or meat sources with plant provides complete protein.

• Edamame: 18 grams per one cup cooked
• Tempeh: 16 grams per 3 ounces
• Tofu: 8 grams per 3 ounce serving
• Lentils: 9 grams per ½ cup
• Black beans: 7 grams per ½ cup cooked
• Lima beans: 7 grams per ½ cooked
• Peanuts 7 grams per ½ cup
• Peanut butter: 7 grams per 2 Tbsp
• Wild rice: 6.5 grams per 1 cup cooked
• Chickpeas: 6 grams per ½ cup
• Almonds: 6 grams per ¼ cup
• Chia seeds: 6 grams per 2 Tbsp
• Steel cut oats: 5 grams per ¼ cup dry
• Cashews: 5 grams per ¼ cup
• Pumpkin seeds: 5 grams per ¼ cup
• Potatoes: 4 grams per 1 medium white potato
• Spinach: 3 grams per ½ cup cooked
• Avocado: 4 grams per one avocado
• Broccoli: 2 grams per ½ cup cooked
• Brussels sprouts: 2 grams per ½ cup

What about protein supplements or bars?

Another easy way to up your protein intake, especially if you’re not able to sit down for a meal, is with high protein drinks or bars. Just make sure that they’re not adding a lot of sugar along with  the protein. Reading labels is crucial for determining which supplement or bar offers real nutrition instead of excess sugars and other fillers.  My personal approach is using whey isolate powder. Whey protein is absorbed into the body quickly.  I drink a protein shake about 30 minutes before I exercise as research shows that protein shortly before exercise is more beneficial then protein after exercise.

Casein protein is absorbed slowly by the body and is ideal before you go to bed at night, about 40 g should be adequate, I don’t do this as my exercise regime is not intense enough to require this extra protein support.

Something as simple as increasing our daily protein intake can make a significant difference in how our body ages. Maintaining our muscle mass throughout our lifetime can help us continue to be active and strong.

If we want to be healthy as we get older and where ever possible remain injury free then we may need a lifestyle change, but most certainly a lifestyle choice. Ask yourself; Who and what do you want to be?

 

So where does that leave us now?

Let’s go back to the 80:20 principle.  Your body shape is determined predominantly by what you eat, we have all heard of the saying, ‘you are what you eat’. Another favourite saying of mind is; ‘calories in-calories out’.  But it is not only about the calories we consume, it’s about the type of calories we consume.  Trying to cut down on some foods we love is tough, sugar tastes great but it increases insulin uptake in our bodies and this in turn, turns into fat. Some of my favourite meals are also some of the most unhealthy, but I limit those. Just as I limit my alcohol intake, and I really enjoy beer sometimes.

Being healthy and happy as we age is not about being perfect, it’s more about balance. My personal belief is that this balance will vary according to our physical needs, our time, our motivation, our goals and indeed whether we have the physical capability to exercise.  Some of us have more control over what we are able to do than others, we’re lucky even if at times we do not feel so.  I guess the question is who do we want to be?

“Happiness is not a goal…it’s a by-product of a life well lived.”― Eleanor Roosevelt

 

If we want to be all that we can be, then we need direction and must set and specify goals. We must make these goals meaningful and challenging but not unreachable, as setting unattainable goals will just demotivate us. Once we have set and specified our goals we should then set incremental steps to achieve those goals. Try and follow a schedule.  Once we have a direction and our goals we must then determine our value structure, that is how do we see the world and how do we see ourselves within the world.

One of my favourite sayings is, ‘there is a gap between my actual self and my ideal self’.

Be realistic with yourself, be forgiving to yourself, be patient and listen to your body but above all be consistent. Work with the body you have, not the body you desire.

As an aside, did you know that fluid IQ decreases with age?  It has been scientifically proven that exercise is the best way to slow down this is decrease. It turns out that exercise feeds your brain, who knew?

I realise I have concentrated on the more physical aspects of life, there is of course cognitive aspect to personal growth but this article is not going to cover that. There will be plenty of articles to follow this that will.

 

In summary

Setting goals for who we want to be, taking a dedicated, educated approach to diet and exercise, being consistent, being patient and being realistic all help us to become healthier and happier as we get older.

It’s not an easy journey but it is a rewarding one, we must learn new tricks, make new lifestyle choices. A friend of mine once told me, ‘it isn’t that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, the problem for the old dog is unlearning the old tricks’.  To some extent it is our choice to shed our old self to become our new self. To become what we can be. 

 

DREAMS don’t work UNLESS you do

Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.

Mahatma Gandhi

Indian political and spiritual leader (1869 – 1948)

 

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;

watch your words, they become actions;

watch your actions, they become habits;

watch your habits, they become character;

watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

FRANK OUTLAW (Late President of the Bi-Lo Stores)

Feeling issues in action, actions become habit, and habits crystallise into character. The formation of a good character, therefore, is largely dependent upon the right unfolding of feeling.

 

There are many ways we can improve our lives, this works for me.  Try it!

I read this book many years ago.  I recently came across it and read it again, in fact, I read it three times back to back.  The Habits Steven Covey wrote about are as relevant now as they were when he wrote the book.  It certainly hit a few home truths for me.  Enjoy my friends x

 

10 essential Tips for BMW owners

Never ever indicate, this is for lesser car drivers, and should know which way you intend to go. BMW only fit indicators to satisfy legal requirements such as MOTs. As a BMW driver no one expects you to indicate.

Try to take up two spaces when parking. This is particularly important during busier periods, it makes other shoppers smile and brings joy to the lives of other car drivers.

Ignore road signs, specifically those specifying who has right of way. Obviously it is your right of way, you’re in a Beama… Although this can become complicated when there is another BMW vying for the right of way. In these instances please give way to the hottest driver.

No eating or drinking in your vehicle. You have plush leather seats, they are there for others to admire and be jealous of. Your vehicle is not a cafe. You may of course stay hydrated as the driver, but you should be careful to point out to your passengers that ’they should have attended to this before you set off’.
If you must converse with people that are driving cars originating from Asia, please keep it brief as they will struggle to follow your intellect. It is a fact that you know more than them as you are indeed a BMW owner.

Press you horn whenever you feel like it, this is particularly useful in busy areas such as high streets. Doing so will make people look at your vehicle and this will bring much joy to their sad, dull existence.

You are exempt from the highway code; FACT.

Middle lanes on motorways are for BMWs, do not bother to go into the inside lane. These are often used by lesser vehicles and your car might catch something.

Single and double digit hand signals are compulsory to assist other road users in learning road craft.

When performing an overtaking manoeuvre it is essential that lower your electronically assisted window and do the wanker sign to the driver of the vehicle you have just passed. If it is cold or raining you may perform this task whilst level with the other car. Mouthing the words adds emphasis to this and assists the other driver in knowing who owns the road. Unbelievably some people forget!